Well it’s been roughly a month since I first settled here in Neocities and I finally have a blog. Now, the question is: will I actually use it? I do often get the urge to write about my life and maybe even share these writings and thoughts and musings with people. BUT forever I’ve felt that my words and thoughts and musings and… life are too unimportant. UNINTERESTING. To be written about or posted about. So maybe blogging will become for me a routine in learning how to stop worrying and love my brain. I’m great at self-reflection I’m just not very good at liking whatever reflection it is I observe.
I think the format of a blog, especially one Neocities, feels like exactly the right amount of public and private. I don’t feel uncomfortable oversharing because even though I’m aware of the fact that I’m posting publicly, there’s not enough live interaction to feel completely vulnerable. I’m hiding in my little corner of the web and scrawling all over the walls. BUT also it fulfills that kind of urge in me to tell SOMEONE ANYONE about the things that go on in my brain.
SO! Maybe I’ll continue to post things here. Maybe I’ll forget and go on about my life. School has been killing me lately I will say that. I’m a great student but being a great student makes me terrified of failure or faltering in any way. So even though I’m already more “locked in” than most… I must… lock in… more….. I feel like such an imposter because I crave these vast intellectual pursuits and self-guided research and writing intellectual essays and reading intellectual books and having intellectual opinions about intellectual topics. But I still feel so dumb, or naive I suppose. You know what I’m not dumb about though. Peter Sellers. And when I think about Peter Sellers I feel better. [Seriously one time I was having crazy insomnia, so I put on Dr. Strangelove and immediately fell asleep… what does it all mean…] SEE I’m already getting all personal and vent-y. Sigh. I get exasperated by myself.
The purpose of this blog is to serve as an alternative to my journal. Which was intended to be a place to write down all my thoughts, but inevitably turned into my little palace of misery and wallowing and loathing. SO. If this blog turns into that I’m so sorry. I want to write about my life more because I can’t remember anything that happens to me. I’m in constant conflict with my own brain. I have terrible brain fog. A terrible memory. And a very selective and inconsistent attention span. My head hurts terribly right now as I’m typing this. SO. My goal in the end is to have some sort of record of my life. And to think more about the things that happen to me. I’m archiving myself. That’s what this is. That’s what this whole website is. That’s how I structure my entire life. All my logs and lists and folders and binders and shelves and drawers. Some kind of proof that I’m a real living person.
Well. That’s that. This is my blog post. Thanks for digging in my stash of files. Thanks for reading. :-]
- Germ